I swore I was going to write frequently, a therapy of sorts...someplace to vent a little. Quietly. I doubt anyone I knows will come across this, if they do well than maybe they will know me a little better.
"Nothing to do when you are locked in a vacancy." What is vacant about my life? The box where my energy, my drive is supposed to be. I am locked in there. I cannot get myself motivated to do anything. The depression commercials....I could win an emmy. Do I want to be like this? No. Sometimes I feel like it is easier though it makes it all harder. (What???)
Now the fall hits, cold is coming. No more warmth from the sun, that flush of heat as you walk out the door. The color will leave. I will watch my husband drive off into the dark, in the snow, to a job he hates that isn't going to make our ends meet in a few months.
Do I want to work? No, not really. Especially b/c I cannot imagine what I would do, and I am sure whatever it is it will not be good enough for me. Honest. Said it.
I am tired, my throat hurts, week 3 of a killer headache (loved ones need to stop dying around here. 3 funerals is enough for now.) When I hit this low I just can't feel the hope. I pray....it is hard to feel. I had a twinge of goodness praying with my Josie a couple of days ago. She repeated a certain line and would giggle. She wasn't making fun, she was having fun. Cool.
Need to stop. Have to do SOMETHING productive with my day. Of course even if I worked all day I wouldn't feel like I did enough, guess that's why I am not getting so much done!
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Fair week. I am sure there are few schools that actually take days off so students can go to/participate in the county fair. We are one of them. Two days....a break for the kids (mine anyway, as we don't participate much more than putting up a Girl Scout booth and adding a few projects.) Tori did participate in the band show, I should say Lexie too....a band "aid"...cute, huh? The show was great.
Soccer is on a slight break, coming off of 2 wins. Rockin! I'd say "woot-woot" but I just feel too old to do so. Not my thing. It's Tori's. Just as my mom will throw out the occassional "right on". We all have our thing.
A great day from the perspective of spending time with mom and gram, Josie and Jace. Not so good when thinking of what I should have been doing to keep up with the family needs...laundry, cleaning, etc. I know, it will be there tomorrow...and much bigger.
Tomorrow I would like to head to Fremont with my Tori to research for her history project. She would like to run around the fair. I would love to be able to trust her to do that. She has not been able to make that happen....so I am the awful unbelievably controlling witch. Excuse me, stop ignoring us and we will let you do what you want, within our limits as you are 15. 15 year olds get themselves into bad places faster than they realize but they don't know it until they are about 25. :) I don't know if I can stand not making sense to her for the next ten years, but I must keep her out of situations that may cause her to, well, make decisions based on the moment.
Crazy. Insane. She thinks she is a different person than I think she is....UH, DITTO. If she knew me, ME, life may be easier. Alas, I must be the mom. I certainly will never be in her age range so whatever I did or do won't resonate the same, though it is the same when you cut and paste time onto time. She won't get it for years. I didn't. I also had a different mom than me....truly. Or did I???
Soccer is on a slight break, coming off of 2 wins. Rockin! I'd say "woot-woot" but I just feel too old to do so. Not my thing. It's Tori's. Just as my mom will throw out the occassional "right on". We all have our thing.
A great day from the perspective of spending time with mom and gram, Josie and Jace. Not so good when thinking of what I should have been doing to keep up with the family needs...laundry, cleaning, etc. I know, it will be there tomorrow...and much bigger.
Tomorrow I would like to head to Fremont with my Tori to research for her history project. She would like to run around the fair. I would love to be able to trust her to do that. She has not been able to make that happen....so I am the awful unbelievably controlling witch. Excuse me, stop ignoring us and we will let you do what you want, within our limits as you are 15. 15 year olds get themselves into bad places faster than they realize but they don't know it until they are about 25. :) I don't know if I can stand not making sense to her for the next ten years, but I must keep her out of situations that may cause her to, well, make decisions based on the moment.
Crazy. Insane. She thinks she is a different person than I think she is....UH, DITTO. If she knew me, ME, life may be easier. Alas, I must be the mom. I certainly will never be in her age range so whatever I did or do won't resonate the same, though it is the same when you cut and paste time onto time. She won't get it for years. I didn't. I also had a different mom than me....truly. Or did I???
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Wow again. What a day. Love, anger, pain, anger, fear, more love.
Now the hard part, living without her. For me, I didn't see her often....rarely in recent years b/c of her addiction....so I won't physically miss her (make sense???) as much as her dear sisters, mother, and beautiful boys. Her exhusband, who the family always really liked was there, brought the entire room to tears and in front of everyone my ex-uncle reconciled with him. Right there. Love.
I thank God for that, for her boys. Billy and Josh carried their mother to her grave. The memory is one I will not soon forget. Heartwrenching.
Bill I believe feels welcomed back. He is going to bring the boys to our family gatherings, we don't want to lose them (our BIG gatherings....where you find 3 or 4 generations together 2 or 3 times a year. It is awesome. I love my family.)
Well, being emotionally drained I did not prepare for CCD tomorrow. Instead I sat here with my grandmother again talking about the past, people who aren't with us. Really, her people.
In the morning I will speak to about 80 people. No biggie (lol). After, intro to Confirmation class to the lucky students of mine this year...6.
Guess I will be seeing 6am Sunday morning! What will the theme be for next week....umm...prioritize?
Now the hard part, living without her. For me, I didn't see her often....rarely in recent years b/c of her addiction....so I won't physically miss her (make sense???) as much as her dear sisters, mother, and beautiful boys. Her exhusband, who the family always really liked was there, brought the entire room to tears and in front of everyone my ex-uncle reconciled with him. Right there. Love.
I thank God for that, for her boys. Billy and Josh carried their mother to her grave. The memory is one I will not soon forget. Heartwrenching.
Bill I believe feels welcomed back. He is going to bring the boys to our family gatherings, we don't want to lose them (our BIG gatherings....where you find 3 or 4 generations together 2 or 3 times a year. It is awesome. I love my family.)
Well, being emotionally drained I did not prepare for CCD tomorrow. Instead I sat here with my grandmother again talking about the past, people who aren't with us. Really, her people.
In the morning I will speak to about 80 people. No biggie (lol). After, intro to Confirmation class to the lucky students of mine this year...6.
Guess I will be seeing 6am Sunday morning! What will the theme be for next week....umm...prioritize?
Friday, September 10, 2010
Third Attempt...Getting Frustrated.
Second blog EVER.
No, I did not prioritize my day today. I got the kids to school. I spent time with my paternal grandmother. I bought potato salad for my cousin's funeral luncheon.
OK, I can't imagine what tomorrow will be like. I have buried friends too soon, relatives who were at an age that was "acceptable"??? Does that make sense? One who was totally and completely heartbreaking (my m-i-l). But now Natalie. Sweet, mischievious, troubled Nat. She is my baby sister's age. We spent time together when we were young. Now, I am trying not to think I should have spent more time with her as an adult. I should have called her up. I had no idea. I was in the middle of four kids.....is this an excuse? Did I miss some sign from God? I did NOT understand what she was doing or going through. Had I....I don't know what I would have done. As I said before, our family comes in all shapes, sizes, and lifestyles.....within the same generation......from the well off to those on government assistance. From happily married to abused and divorced. How did this happen to us? I think it happens, with so many in a family. It shouldn't be.
My grandparents were the most loving, giving, faithful people. I guess God taking Grandpa Hunter home at I think 53, as it seems many Hunter men passed early, threw everyone into their own personal hell. I know this from losing my mother-in-law 5 years ago at 61. It breaks a family like nothing else. Now the faithful family of 9 has become a mixed up family of 60. Wait...minus Grandma, Jan 27, 09 and now Natalie. 58 of us....from 2 devout Catholics. Now we are maybe 35% Catholic, lucky if 75% of us attend church. And Natalie overdoses on heroin. ????????????????????????
OK. As I said, tomorrow is going to be entirely new to me. I have never buried a family member younger than me. I can hear her laugh, I can see her crying for our grandmother. Tomorrow we cry for her.
No, I did not prioritize my day today. I got the kids to school. I spent time with my paternal grandmother. I bought potato salad for my cousin's funeral luncheon.
OK, I can't imagine what tomorrow will be like. I have buried friends too soon, relatives who were at an age that was "acceptable"??? Does that make sense? One who was totally and completely heartbreaking (my m-i-l). But now Natalie. Sweet, mischievious, troubled Nat. She is my baby sister's age. We spent time together when we were young. Now, I am trying not to think I should have spent more time with her as an adult. I should have called her up. I had no idea. I was in the middle of four kids.....is this an excuse? Did I miss some sign from God? I did NOT understand what she was doing or going through. Had I....I don't know what I would have done. As I said before, our family comes in all shapes, sizes, and lifestyles.....within the same generation......from the well off to those on government assistance. From happily married to abused and divorced. How did this happen to us? I think it happens, with so many in a family. It shouldn't be.
My grandparents were the most loving, giving, faithful people. I guess God taking Grandpa Hunter home at I think 53, as it seems many Hunter men passed early, threw everyone into their own personal hell. I know this from losing my mother-in-law 5 years ago at 61. It breaks a family like nothing else. Now the faithful family of 9 has become a mixed up family of 60. Wait...minus Grandma, Jan 27, 09 and now Natalie. 58 of us....from 2 devout Catholics. Now we are maybe 35% Catholic, lucky if 75% of us attend church. And Natalie overdoses on heroin. ????????????????????????
OK. As I said, tomorrow is going to be entirely new to me. I have never buried a family member younger than me. I can hear her laugh, I can see her crying for our grandmother. Tomorrow we cry for her.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Pull It Together!
Man. Here I sit. Earlier I watched the memorial service for my second cousin's 5 year old daughter Ava Hunter. Heartbreaking, inspiring....the Hunter family is truely amazing. My mission in life: to comfort, to care, to stand beside you...even if it is killing me. I am there until you have shown me you are totally unresponsive to my attention anyway....(been there). I want to help, support, do just about anything I can to make things better. Do I really know my cousins in Florida? No. Does my heart break for them? Absolutely. They ARE my family.
Family. I have such a protective, mothering feeling when it comes to just about any member of it. My sister, my 4th cousin...whoever. Is it strange? Recently I have gone far too deep into my ancestry (I say too deep because I recognize it is using way too much of my time.) What did I do for my Hunters this morning? I sent a small donation to the Ava Fund. I added every detail I could find on them to my family tree. Wasn't hard, they are an amazing, accomplished group. I want EVERY one of my aunts, uncles, and cousins to watch the service. I want them to know what I know about their family.
The Hunters. We have been broken this week. In addition to Ava, my cousin Natalie passed. Heartbreaking. She will be laid to rest on Saturday. Our family comes in all shapes, sizes, and lifestyles. We love fiercely, but not everyone responds the same. Unfortunately Nat started down a path she was not able to find her way back from. May God forgive her and welcome her. Saturday is going to hurt. God hug her boys.
So back to me....all of my babies now off to school and I can't seem to get myself on track. Of course, there have been obstacles, but, as I said, here I sit. Must prioritize, must plan, must stick to it.
Family. I have such a protective, mothering feeling when it comes to just about any member of it. My sister, my 4th cousin...whoever. Is it strange? Recently I have gone far too deep into my ancestry (I say too deep because I recognize it is using way too much of my time.) What did I do for my Hunters this morning? I sent a small donation to the Ava Fund. I added every detail I could find on them to my family tree. Wasn't hard, they are an amazing, accomplished group. I want EVERY one of my aunts, uncles, and cousins to watch the service. I want them to know what I know about their family.
The Hunters. We have been broken this week. In addition to Ava, my cousin Natalie passed. Heartbreaking. She will be laid to rest on Saturday. Our family comes in all shapes, sizes, and lifestyles. We love fiercely, but not everyone responds the same. Unfortunately Nat started down a path she was not able to find her way back from. May God forgive her and welcome her. Saturday is going to hurt. God hug her boys.
So back to me....all of my babies now off to school and I can't seem to get myself on track. Of course, there have been obstacles, but, as I said, here I sit. Must prioritize, must plan, must stick to it.
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